This is a guest post from one of my fabulous friends.
Why does it matter? – Sexuality has to do with the way you identify, how you experience sexual and romantic attraction (if you do), and your interest in and preferences around sexual and romantic relationships and behaviour. ~ source https://www.healthline.com/
Let’s begin with a quick introduction shall we? I’m male, 33, and bi-sexual and as I write this it’s currently the early part of 2020.
As you can probably guess from the post, being bi-sexual and more importantly letting it be known is something I’m somewhat comfortable with in 2018, but the journey to this stage hasn’t been quite as straight forward as you may think which is why, in this post I will be exploring how I came to realise I was something more than just straight, how that came to be bi-sexual and how I accepted myself as bi.
To begin, let’s go back to my younger years. A time without smartphones, the evolving internet pre-high-speed broadband and all the massive amount of information at our disposal even to the younger generation that there is these days. Back then I started to have crushes on girls particularly “celebs” and at least one girl I knew at school.
I knew the concept of sexual orientation, but I had I never really though about being straight, gay or anything in-between. For all my female crushes, it was, to me just a case of “I like this girl” and all the emotions associated that I had no control over.
As I got older I guess I could say that because I had always had feelings for girls I never really considered anything else, nor did I notice when I maybe thought differently considering these were not the norm.
The first real hint of anything other than straight was through music. I listened to a band/group who’s singer eventually came out as gay and there was something about this guy that I saw a different and as I got older and he went solo the attraction was bigger but at the time I never really realised he was gay and that I may have been attracted to him in a lesser way than I had been with girls, but that I was still attracted none the less.
Fast forward a few years where I began to see some guys as attractive, and I noticed myself being attracted to them, but not quite the same way as I would be with girls. Whenever these instances occurred I just dismissed them as finding guys nice but not actually liking them to the point where I’d have thought about anything with them.
This sort of dismissive attraction continued for a few years, but then at some point I began to question myself and occasionally during the evenings I would look up guys online and see what I thought of them to see whether I really liked them. It was during this time in the evenings where I would also be browsing porn and naturally I decided to look up gay and trans porn.
Upon further googling was when I came to my biggest realisation. I found that I wasn’t attracted to guys as I was girls i.e. dating/relationships, but in fact I was sexually aroused more than anything.
Despite this realisation I was still dismissive and even though I had nothing against people’s sexual preference I felt that in my case I had grown up as what you might call straight so couldn’t quite accept that I like guys sexually
I stuck to that attitude of being straight on and off, occasionally straying over but never fully committing myself.
As I got into my mid-late 20s this notion that I liked guys came back and being an adult I decided it was stupid of me to try and hide it, and that I should rather set about exploring it a lot more and just accept it/embrace it.
I started off looking up guys online, watching gay/trans porn and generally finding out what exactly it was I liked and exploring this more and more.
This exploration eventually led me to fantasise about being with a guy and having some fun with them which I loved, and it was during this that I started to fully accept that yes I was bi-sexual and that there was nothing wrong with that.
Further fantasies led me to take the plunge and set about hooking up with a guy IRL to see what it was like and whether or not the reality was as good as the fantasy.
After a lot of searching, filtering out people and general chatting I eventually hooked up with someone for a bit of basic/simple fun to begin with, and I happened to enjoy it. This enjoyment led me to wanting to take it further, from basic to semi-full on, and then full on.
I won’t go into any detail, but I ended up having a couple of sessions of fun with a guy and found that I did indeed enjoy myself as much as my fantasies, and that while I wasn’t gay I was finally able to consider myself bi-sexual.
Despite finally considering myself bi, there was still the fact that I wasn’t ready to come out and say “I’m bi-sexual” should the conversation go that way. It wasn’t until a few months after my last fun where it came out unexpectedly.
I happened to be on a training course between jobs and during a lunch break. Myself and a couple of fellow students were chatting on our way to get food and the conversation on their end, ended up at sexual partners and how many guys a girl had had. During this part of the conversation I happened to blurt out that “I’d had x guys” and that I was “Bi-sexual” without thinking.
This was the first time I had mentioned it in general conversation to anyone, but it seemed like the best time to let it out. I barely knew these people, so I guess there was no real worry about saying I was bi and what their reaction might be. They in fact didn’t really react beyond and “Oh” whereby the conversation continued. For me this was what I would consider to be a normal reaction since there is nothing wrong in being bi or anything for that matter, but in my mind I may have thought that there would be a bit more questioning from whoever I told first, I’m glad it went the way it did as it made me feel better to get it out there.
It is now 2018 and whilst I haven’t made it known to anyone else IRL that I’m bi it’s more due to not having the right conversation for me to say it in. On the other hand some people I know online are aware of this as it easy for me to mention it on a profile/bio and let people read it for themselves.
I’m more than accepting of the fact I’m bi these days and realise that yes, maybe there were moment in my younger years where I had the wrong view on sexuality/sexual preference, but that was me dismissing what I thought didn’t apply to me when it did, it was just that I never took time to explore it earlier than I did.
I know my struggles are nowhere near the level of some who consider themselves some part of LGBT, but at the end of the day we’re are all the same, so whatever part of LGBT you fall into, it’s fine to do your thing. and we should accept each other for who we are, embrace your sexuality no matter what and just embrace it.
~~ “Sexuality is not about who you have sex with, or how often you have it. Sexuality is about your sexual feelings, thoughts, attractions and behaviours towards other people. You can find other people physically, sexually or emotionally attractive, and all those things are a part of your sexuality.
Sexuality is diverse and personal, and it is an important part of who you are. Discovering your sexuality can be a very liberating, exciting and positive experience.
Some people experience discrimination due to their sexuality. If someone gives you a hard time about your sexuality, it’s good to talk to someone about it.‘ ~~ source Better Health Channel.
Originally posted 2020-02-09 17:29:48.