This mademic part two

Before this mademic had raised its ugly head, I’d never thought much about how much impact this type of situation would have in everybody…who would? The impact it’s had on me, my job, my MH has been eye opening to say the least….

I have two moods concerning this pandemic – constant panic and worrying about every little detail or ‘it is what it is’

Recently I have noticed my alcohol intake has gone up again, though this week on the run up to Christmas, I have tried to keep it in check, I have thought about the gin bottle – just the one won’t hurt…but it will – one will lead to two….that leads to three or more and sometimes I have no restraint….so I’d rather not have one…yes I think about the heady mix of a gin and tonic but I’m good and don’t go there. At times I’ve poured my gin into the coke can so hubby does not notice and yes I get away with it….or do I? No, not at all I berate myself for doing this….but I dont stop myself. This leads me onto eating……

I’ve always been overweight- my family are chunky monkeys and you know me, I’m fiercely proud of being plus size, I do over eat I can’t stop at two biscuits, I’ll inhale that last piece of pizza and tub of Ben and Jerry’s! but that doesn’t stop me wondering what if! What if I was slimmer would he fancy me? Would I be less shy to take the bull by the horns and fulfill my ‘fuckit list’….

when I’m chatted up or given compliments etc I’m always wondering if it’s a joke….chat up the fatty! Some days are worse than others where I feel like everything is just feeding my insecurities..…I worry about everything – do I look fat in my clothes, are people laughing at me , are they talking about my weight? I never let my guard down fully so I probably come across very needy when gauging people’s reactions and wanting to know how they really feel….and yes that neediness puts some off, but I can’t help it, I’ve been burnt so many times before and I find it hard to trust…so I need to unlock the insecurities and start loving myself properly…but just incase…. love me love my insecurities.

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