This mademic

Before this mademic had raised its ugly head, I’d never thought much about how much impact this type of situation would have in everybody…who would? The impact it’s had on me, my job, my MH has been eye opening to say the least….

I have two moods concerning this pandemic – constant panic and worrying about every little detail or ‘it is what it is’

I have had to stop talking therapy for now, Three years ago I started counselling well talking therapy and IMO I have done so well, my self built wall has gotten lower and the jigsaw that is me has more pieces in it. Obviously with the lockdown I cannot see my therapist and she did suggest Skype or talking on the phone. And even though I’ve been thinking a lot about the Skype or phone service and although I have never done computerised sessions …I have telephone sessions and tbh I’m not a fan ….I can’t relax enough to open up, I’ll be worried & wondering if I would be interrupted, like hubby walking in, I’d be constantly on edge and I truly hated saying this and with these trying times I had to postpone but if needed the opportunity to message to see if we could book in some sort of session.

So to help me I go to one of my happy places – One of my favourite places is my garden, I love my garden and find pottering in it very therapeutic, I have ordered some new plants and pots and will be pottering very soon. It’s so calming for me and I can get lost in there for hours – lost in my thoughts, reading, listening to music, writing or listening to the world going by. I love my pots and will rearrange time after time getting the colours of the pots and plants just right. With the amount of time I spend in the garden, I need it to be calming and rearranging the pots helps me find calmness – odd I know but that’s me….it’s my garden !!

I have also found a new like/love for walking. With not being at work and not getting the daily exercise I reach with the children normally, and with the Each time I go for a walk *every other day, I set myself a target of walking 300 more steps, than I did the day before, it may seem nothing to others but to me it’s huge….‬my route is from home to the cricket club and back varying my route back just a smidge to up my steps. Sometimes I get to the cricket club sometimes I don’t and that’s perfectly fine. My route is carefully planned as I feel safe walking those roads – safe for my MH. But ask me to walk down a non safe road and my brain can not compute it. It causes panic and anxiety and self doubt and panic and…..it’s a vicious circle. Take the other day I had to pick up a prescription, now I knew I was doing that and everything was fine until my OH uttered the dreaded words “while you’re there” now asking for OTC medicines maybe nothing to you, but to me again my brain could not compute – my brain had been fine with a task but throwing buying paracetamol into the mix – I was a mess of insecurities- of course OH doesn’t understand this and why would he unless you’re going through it or been through similar. My brain was focused on the route *safe route*, queuing if needed – the thought of seeing someone *a family member* was low on my worry list, but I did the extra task but it was like dreamlike – I had rehearsed what I wanted to say and low and behold they didn’t have what I wanted *curse it, so I just picked a quick alternative paid and got back into my safe bubble of earbuds in music on- it wasn’t till I got home I realised I had paid £12 for two items – in my anxiety fuelled moment I hadn’t noticed the extortionate price of the extra shopping *curse it again, but I live to go again and will try to be more wary on what I’m purchasing next time!

As most of you know I love gin- well this love for gin has took me down some very bad paths….a few years ago my relationship with alcohol took a bad turn – it was Christmas and I thought well it’s ok to start drinking at 2 o’clock in the afternoon it’s Christmas after all….I did this for several days almost a week and boy did I learn my lesson not to….my sleep pattern was shot to pieces, I was having terrible nightmares you know the ones – you wake up in a cold sweat from….I thought I had to change and quickly, I cut down on my alcohol intake and lost lots of weight and more importantly I lost the nightmares- yay go me!! Jumping to now I’ve started drinking again like it’s Christmas – boredom probably – I’ll have one down it quickly, have another and maybe one more won’t hurt- the horrendous nightmares have come back my sleep pattern is always gin infused, I can feel myself sinking into a place I thought I wouldn’t go to again and it frightens me….but I can’t stop and that frightens me more.

to be continued……

Originally posted 2020-04-15 13:44:38.

3 thoughts on “This mademic”

  1. Hey Sparkles,

    Thought I’d comment on here and check out some of your posts 🙂
    Gardening is therapeutic indeed; and it helps calm me sometimes though my hay fever doesn’t like me doing it ;p

    This pandemic has been an eye-opening time. I like how you call it a Mademic. What is happening across the world certainly feels very surreal and genuinely scary.

    I hope things are seeming a bit brighter for you now though.

    Best wishes,
    LB xxx

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